I Stopped Focusing on What I Can't Control and Am So Much Happier

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It is human nature to think about and worry about things that you have no control over. What if I this happens or what if that happens? What will I do if my company lays people off?  I'm getting a new boss and I'm afraid we won't get along together! There are a number of things that we can focus on that we have absolutely no control over. When we have no control over something and we start to dwell on it, our mind will race to fill in the outcomes, often with the worst possible result. This will lead to stress and anxiety, can reduce performance and have long term negative effects on your emotional, physical and professional well being.

Instead of focusing on what you can't control, focus on what you do have the ability to control. When you focus on what you can control, you naturally redirect your mind to things that you can impact and make a difference with. Instead of feeling anxiety and stress around what might happen, you work toward what will happen. This helps make you feel more centered, more relaxed and more confident. All of these states improve your emotional, and professional well being. Feeling positive and in control is a much better place to be than feeling out of control.

If you've spent a lifetime worrying about what might happen the thought of stopping and focusing on what you can control can seem both exciting and daunting. How can you ever stop worrying about what will happen outside of your control?  You need to think about these things so you can be ready?  Wrong. You need to focus on what you can control so you'll be ready for whatever happens. You need to work on yourself and improve yourself so that when something happens that you can't control you can react calmly and effectively.

I have spent a lot of my early career and life focusing on the things I can't control. It would paralyze me insinuations where I knew I should act. It would make me afraid to go after opportunities that I knew I should take. When my wife had a job in another state and I had the opportunity to relocate my career there I hesitated. My company said that I would have to find a new role in 6 months to transfer to or explore leaving the organization. I remained focused on what might happen that I couldn't control. What if my wife's job doesn't work out? What will people think of us relocating? What if my company doesn't like this new arrangement and goes back on it sooner. What if no jobs open up that I can transition to?

Had I spent my time focusing on what I can control, I might have had a different experience. Instead of worrying about what I couldn't control, I had a choice I could control. I could have chosen to relocate. When I got there I could have chosen how the work I did was head and shoulders above the work of those around me. This could've made me invaluable to the organization and given me increased visibility to those around me. I could have chosen to network with new teams and hiring managers and actively worked to identify a potential new career path. If I had focused on these things, I would have felt confident that I had a plan and was working my plan.

The reality is that the worst that can happen is that we would have still found a way to have a roof over our heads, food in our bellies and love in our hearts. There may have been bumps along the way, challenges to overcome or problems to solve, but we would have done that. We would have found a way to move forward and still be together and happy. If I had focused on what I can control, I might have had a different future. I regret not taking a risk and letting the fear of what I can't control change my behavior. Since then I've worked on ways to manage my stress and focus on what I can have an impact on. 

Here are some tips to stop focusing on what you can't control and focus on what you can control

What is causing stress?

Look at your life and think about when you feel stress and anxiety. What is causing that stress? Are there specific things that you are looking at, reading, hearing or thinking about that are causing you stress?  For example, are you worrying non-stop incoming requests for work and your ability to complete them?  Stop and take stock. Are these things you can do and complete? Instead of worrying about what if someone brings me this task or what if someone brings me something complex I can't figure out or complete on their time frame ask think about what you can control. If people are coming to you, the good news is that they believe you can be helpful. What can you control in this situation? You can control how you say yes or no, you can control how you prioritize tasks, you can control what deadlines and expectations you set for others. Remember that they are asking you for help, you have control over what that help looks like and they'll most likely be grateful for it. You are more in control in this situation than they are. 

What are you happy about?

Think about the things that make you happy and bring you joy in your life. Identify those things that make you feel happier, relaxed and less stressed out. These might be specific tasks at work, personal hobbies or hanging out with friends and family. When you begin to feel stressed out this is a sign that you need to stop and take a break. Instead of letting yourself become overwhelmed with things that you can't control, take a break and focus on what you can. You can control doing tasks that you enjoy, you can take a moment to work on a hobby. You can call a friend or family member and chat for a few minutes. This small break and distraction can melt away a lot of stress and let you return more relaxed and confidently to the task at hand. 

Deemphasize social media

Social media is great. It is a great way to connect with those you care about and those around you. It helps you to feel connected to other people, other places and other ideas. It can also have a tremendously negative impact if you use it in a way that isn't healthy. Social media algorithms try their best to identify things that keep you engaged with their platform and drive more and more of those types of things into your feeds. If you see a comment that upsets you and you engage with it, you're teaching the social media to show you more of that. Soon your feed will be filled with more and more things that make you feel angry, stressed out and anxious. If you find that happening it's time to stop, reduce your use of social media. From here you can think about leaving permanently, temporarily or making a major adjustment to your use of the platforms. When and if you stay or return, focus on the posts that bring you happiness. When you feel yourself upset by a post, stop and recognize the consequences of engaging and instead ignore it and move on. You will teach the algorithm what you want to see instead and soon those negative influences will disappear. 

Plan every day

Start every day looking at what you know you have to do. Don't focus on what might happen, focus on what will happen. Think about the outcomes you need to achieve for the day and what you will do to achieve them. Write your to-do list, put important meetings on your calendar. Set reminders for tasks you need to follow-up later or messages you need to reply to. Work time into your schedule to focus on things that might happen. Don't think about what might happen, just know something that is outside your control might come to you and you are preparing by setting aside time, nothing more. As you work through your day you will feel satisfied and happy when you start ticking things off your plan. That task is done, this email is replied to, etc. When an unexpected task shows up, you won't be stressed out, because you know you've set aside time and can deal with it then. This process of planning your work and working your plan will gradually improve your ability to stay focused on what you can control, and help you to feel more in control even when things come to you unexpectedly. 

Reflect daily

At the end of every day or the early part of every day, stop and reflect. Think about what went right in your life. What did you do to make a positive impact? What actions did you take that worked out well, improved your life or that of others, achieved goals, moved projects forward etc. Taking this time to reflect on what you did successfully helps you to see that you are having a positive impact on yourself, your world and those around you. When you start to feel stressed out about things you can't control, remind yourself of all the great things you achieved when focusing on what you can control. Take that break and think about what you've done well at and let the out of control emotions fade away.

I've used these tips to help me to stop focusing on what I can't control. Instead when I begin to feel stressed, I throw myself into work, hobbies or friends and family and situations that I can control. I plan my days out so I'm ready for anything and I think about what I've achieved and write down my successes. I've used these tactics for a long time now and they've made a world of difference. I hope that they can help you too. If you are feeling stressed and anxious try these out. Tell me if they worked or didn't work. Or if you have a story you want to tell, I want to hear it! Tell me below or contact me!