Say Exactly What You Mean

 

honest | Magda Ehlers | Pexels

Sometimes we work to provide a cushion to our feedback to others. We change language or use phrases that soften the blow of direct feedback. Other times we may tell someone what they want to hear to avoid conflict. We may beat around the bush to avoid having a bigger conversation about what we're trying to say.

You may occasionally have people tell you to spit it out. You might have heard people tell you quit beating around the bush and give it to me straight. These are some direct indications that you are not being direct and straightforward.

You should say exactly what you mean. 

Instead of beating around the bush, hemming and hawing or trying to spare people's feelings, you should be open, honest and direct. While this may be uncomfortable in the beginning, it will lead to better interactions in the long term. In my career I've had many interactions where I gave honest feedback or said exactly what I mean. At the beginning of my career this did not always go so well. I gave highly critical and non constructive feedback on occasion. I learned from these experiences and as my career progressed began to provide that same honest feedback, saying exactly what I mean, while being empathetic to the person on the other end. 

Here are some of the things that I do to provide honest and direct feedback effectively

Ask yourself why you're providing the feedback

Why are you providing this feedback? What is the goal or desired outcome? Is it just because you want to say something? If so, keep your mouth shut. If there is a positive benefit to what you're trying to convey it's important to include that reasoning as part of your feedback. Connecting your feedback to a bigger picture helps others to see that, even critical feedback has value to the greater order of things.

Don't let your feelings creep in

If you talk to someone in a Human Resources role, you'll learn that one of their biggest frustrations is that they get performance improvement documents from managers that are filled with subjective and emotional statements related to the employees performance. Not only are these not helpful, but they are also potentially discoverable in court. Instead it's important to look objectively at a situation and provide feedback that is not disputable and clearly measurable.

Look at it from their perspective

Diversity of thought is a valuable tool. While it's important to have strong opinions, it's also important to understand that others may have different opinions. Before you provide feedback, think through some reasons why the situation may have become what it is. This should help you better think through how to provide your feedback in a way that will make it more relevant and acceptable to the receiver. 

Ask if you can provide feedback

Recently I was venting to a family member about something that was very stressful to me. At that moment I was angry and looking for consolation and comfort. I was in misery and wanted company. What I got was advice on how I should be reacting differently. This was good advice, but it came at the wrong time. It made me angry and resulted in me responding in a negative way. Remember that while you may be ready to say what you mean, the other person may not be ready to hear it.

You are responsible for you not others

Sometimes, no matter how well you say what you mean, other people will react negatively. Don't sweat it. You are not responsible for their feelings. If they take it personally or are hard on themselves afterwards, that's OK. That is part of their process of working through things. Don't let the fear of how things will turn out result in you not provide open honest feedback.

How have your experiences gone with providing direct honest feedback? Did they go well or are you hesitant to provide feedback? Tell me about it below or contact me!