Why You Should Be Super Direct and Not Always Polite

 

Two Business Women Talking | Christina Morillo | Pexels

People that know me would say that I am very direct and to the point. I don't beat around the bush and I don't sugar coat things. In fact, my wife and I attended the wedding of a coworker. During the reception, I made a remark that was fairly direct and my wife asked the other people I worked with if I was always this direct at work. They kind of laughed and said yes I was this direct. She asked if they found it rude and they replied that they didn't, because they understood I wanted what was best for them and the team overall, but could see how someone else might view it that way.

So I'm super direct and could be confused with rude.  I am completely OK with that. Life is full of compromises where you bend over backwards to make the wishes of others come true. Whether those wishes are aligned with what you want, need or what is best for you, you stop and say yes to things that you might prefer not to.  We all do it. Maybe you studied engineering in college because your parents wanted you to. Maybe you helped your friends move instead of going for a hike with your significant other. 

There are many things that we say yes to because they feel non optional. They feel like social obligations that we must agree to, in order to stay part of the tribe. Our desire as people to remain part of the tribe will drive us to say and do things that we might not want to do, we might not believe in order to maintain balance within the group and remain viewed as part of the group. 

Have you ever joined a new organization or a new team and saw that they were doing something less effectively than you had done it on your prior team? Did you blow up their process and get everyone doing things the new way or did you conform to the way they were doing it even though it was less effective?  Most people don't try to swim upstream and will simply do what the group is doing.

Perhaps you've had people at work ask you to join their meetings and you didn't understand what your role in the meeting was ahead of time. Towards the middle of the meeting you realized that you weren't going to take anything away from the meeting and weren't going to add anything to it either. Did you disconnect from the meeting or did you stay on the meeting through the end, and then also join the follow-up meetings because you didn't want to be rude? I'll bet that you stayed on the meeting the entire time, and accepted the follow-up meetings. You weren't engaged, weren't adding value and were wasting your time being there.

So what am I saying. Am I saying that you should be super direct and sometimes a little rude at work? Yes, I am. Too often important ideas, processes or changes go overlooked at work, because we become overly concerned with being polite. Perhaps someone needs critical feedback on their performance, but when they ask you, you praise them for a job well done. Instead of providing constructive criticism that helped improve their performance, you reinforced the poor behaviors that resulted in a lackluster performance. In your quest to be polite, you did more harm than good.

Why Should You Be Direct?

More Confidence and More Respect

I had a peer once tell me to be authentic. They said, look when you sugar coat things or use phrases you don't believe in like "What a good question!" to an obviously silly question, everyone can feel that it's not real. Be yourself, be honest and direct and people will appreciate you more. They were right. When I dropped the fake politeness and started being honest and direct, I saw a direct improvement in my performance and influence. I also got better reviews from my boss. 

It Saves Time

You might also waste other people's time. How effective is it to sign in a meeting where you're not adding value. Have you ever been asked to join a call where you added no value? Instead of joining that call and adding no value, simply decline. Say something like "I appreciate the invite, but I can't make this call. Good luck." and move on. You won't add value to their meeting and you might waste their time extending their meeting or providing poor feedback. Save their time and yours and be honest and direct by declining.

It's More Fair

Being dishonest, even if you are being polite isn't fair. It doesn't help the other person see the right way to do things and it doesn't help them develop. Don't attempt to spare someone else's feelings and the expense of helping them get better. Use critical feedback delivered effectively to help them be the best they can be. 

Tips to Say Be More Direct

Learn to Say No

When you are not direct, you can waste other people's time and your own. I would often get requests to take on projects for others. Early in my career my default answer was always yes. "You want me to take this off your plate? Of course!" In my mind, that was an effective strategy to get people to like me and a way for me to add value to the team. The reality was that it quickly left me overwhelmed with work. The sad part is that it wasn't my work or my responsibility to do that work. I felt so responsible to help out that I took too much on and wasn't able to effectively complete my core responsibilities.

Once I found my voice and started saying no, a funny thing happened. People said, OK and didn't fight with me or say mean things to me or about me. They simply said OK and did the work themselves. People will always be happy to pass work off on another department or individual, especially if they've learned that that department will always say yes. But you are wasting your time, doing work that isn't yours.

Be Brief and Be Bold

Being honest and direct can be a challenge. We are worried about saying the wrong thing and hurting the other person's feelings. When you need to be honest and direct, stop for a moment and think about what you're going to say. What is the point you want to get across and how can you do that in as few words as possible, while also being respectful. You don't want to appear emotional or angry, just firm and honest. Instead of saying something like "I think that's a stupid idea, I'm not going to be a part of it. Say something like, "I'm working on some other projects and won't be able to support this one. Good luck."

Trust Your Gut

Your gut, or your instincts are your body's way of manifesting your feelings physically. That sinking feeling you get when someone is about to ask you to help them move or do some other thing you don't want to do? That's your subconscious mind warning you that it has recognized a pattern that you should be aware of and avoid. Learn to listen to that. You have a lifetime of experience in different situations. You know what you like and don't like, what's good for you and not good for you. If your gut is screaming at you that something is not good, listen to it!

Focus on Behaviors not People

My daughter had a disagreement with her brother and told him that he was rude. He of course was very upset and personally attacked her back and she became even more upset. She wasn't wrong, he was being rude. Where she made her mistake was in how she conveyed that message. She made a broad critical statement about who her brother was as a person and he took that, rightfully, personally. Had she just slightly adjusted her language the whole conversation could have gone differently. Instead of yelling "You're rude!" she could have said "That statement is really rude and hurts my feelings". That's a small change, but has a big impact. Instead of attacking him, she's attacked the behavior and he won't feel personally attacked, but will instead be forced to look at his own actions.

The same thing works in business. When giving feedback or coaching someone, always focus on the behavior not the person. People will be able to more effectively listen if you're talking about their behavior, because they won't be working on a way to defend themselves from a personal attack. 

Don't Play Person in the Middle

I had a colleague that I was working on a project with. They had an issue with part of the project and thought we could do it differently. Instead of saying something during one of our meetings they instead went to a third party and told them that I was making a mistake in the way I was doing things and that they should say something to me. That person did relay the message to me. I was very irritated. Not only was this message getting to though someone that had no stake in the game or business being a part of it, it was wasting my time by taking extra steps.

I had a conversation with the original person and they said they didn't want to hurt my feelings. I explained that I didn't appreciate them complaining to other people about our project and wanted to do the best possible job as quickly and effectively as possible. I asked them to be open and honest from now on and reassured them that critical feedback was always welcome.

I could have simply sent a message back through that third party, but that would have wasted their time, my time and my teammates time. Instead, I was direct and went right to the source. I saved us both a lot of time and frustration through the rest of that project.

Do you struggle with being open, honest and direct or do you have a knack for saying things directly all the time? I want to hear about your experience! Tell me below or contact me!